me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
You Might Also Like
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Scientist: we’ve finally taught a dog Morse Code
Dog: [taps paw]
Me: what did it say?
Scientist: “woof”
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again
*getting the broom*
Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,
Why are ranches the only house with their own condiment? I demand bungalow sauce!
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Dear Lord..
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
Son: dad how do they fit people into those little urns when they die?
Dad: well have you seen honey i shrunk the kids ?
Son: yes
Dad: great movie but it’s not like that they use a big fire