me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
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Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?
Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
I choose a lazy person to do a hard job. Because a lazy person will find an easy way to do it. – Bill Gates
How is it this guy has not hired me yet?
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Well well well…
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.