@FredTaming

me: there’s a fly in my soup

waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once

me: no, just the one is enough

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@shesananteater

Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.

@RobDenBleyker

I think if a little girl wants to grow up and be a Tyrannosaurus Rex that’s totally fine, and science shouldn’t stop her.

@Home_Halfway

FLEETWOOD MAC: Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

ME: Ok. Bears always catch salmon cause they think they’re saving them from drowning

@WheelTod

Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.

@DanMentos

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

@AbbieEvansXO

DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now

@Puncroaker

Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.

@Molly_Kats

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom