me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
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Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am