Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Play the long game? You mean Monopoly?

🧠

“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

This is amazing.

I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.

A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.

Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅

Just ticking off my bucket list.

That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.

*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*

Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous

Agriculture can’t possibly be a dying industry. Bot farms are booming.

Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.

Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves…

Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.

Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.

Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.

Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…

Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA

I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”

Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

Hot Panini is in big trouble

*Starts new job*

Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.

me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries

kfc: you mean potato wedges?

me: yes potato wedges please

I have a box of thirdhand rice. My daughter’s friend bought it, but then he moved out of his apartment so he gave it to her because it wasn’t opened. Now she’s moving out of her apartment so she gave it to me because it wasn’t opened. I’m not really sure how I feel about it.

I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.

Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.

For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.

Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent

Is a driver’s Ed instructor