Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?

In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still fucking mad about it.

Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud

Girl, same.

HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]

Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.

Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack

In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.

[inventing flies]

GOD: make them eat shit

ANGEL: got it

GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world

ANGEL: ok who hurt you?

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.

*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

what do you want

Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.

For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.

Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.

Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL

Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning

I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.

Me: This escape room sucks

My boss: This is a budget meeting…

my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time

i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before

POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.

MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.

It’s too funny that Michael Chiklis signed on to do Gotham in a relatively straightforward role and then a year later they had him looking like Furiosa

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.

wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class

me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.