Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
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My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
this was the best i’ve ever seen
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
I’m a self-made hundredaire
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I’m scared. I just got poked on Facebook.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on
me: probably since the summer of 2015
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.