[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
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*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Me: I’m depressed
Doctor: I’m going to inject you with dog DNA
Me: How will that help?!
Doctor: Who’s a good boy?
Me: I AM
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
My 3yo gave me a hug and said, “here is a flower just for you. I got it from the plastic tree you told me not to touch.”
People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*