me: there’s a man in my house

911: what’s he doing

me: drinking

911: drinking?

me: yea there’s actually multiple people all drinking and having a good time

911: sounds like you’re hosting a party

me: yea


me: please send help

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Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?


I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden


Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice

Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance

Kristoff: She is literally dying

Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG


If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.


Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”


Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.


Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon


Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.


Whenever I can’t sleep, I always end up eating like 37 snacks in bed.

It’s called insom-nom-nom-nia.