@tweetsbyrocket

me: there’s a man in my house

911: what’s he doing

me: drinking

911: drinking?

me: yea there’s actually multiple people all drinking and having a good time

911: sounds like you’re hosting a party

me: yea

911:

me: please send help

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@mommajessiec

Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?

6yo: A recorder.

Me: How about a pony instead?

@mela_shea

I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden

@DrakeGatsby

Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice

Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance

Kristoff: She is literally dying

Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG

@GorillaNipples1

If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.

@Darlainky

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

@Darlainky

Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room

Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon

@WilliamAder

Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.

@om_eye_goodness

Whenever I can’t sleep, I always end up eating like 37 snacks in bed.

It’s called insom-nom-nom-nia.