Cannot stop laughing at this
me: there’s a man in my house
911: what’s he doing
me: yea there’s actually multiple people all drinking and having a good time
911: sounds like you’re hosting a party
me: please send help
You Might Also Like
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Whenever I can’t sleep, I always end up eating like 37 snacks in bed.
It’s called insom-nom-nom-nia.