Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
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When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.