Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?

1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.

3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon

Me: Are you done cleaning?

7-year-old: No.

Me: So what should you be doing?

7: Hiding.

She cleans like me.

Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly

– autocorrect

[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]

11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep

Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”

When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

Canister ✅
Pail ✅
Pot ✅
Can ✅
Scuttle ✅

Just ticking off my bucket list.

Cats love it when you give them a mohawk

wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep

Somebody needs to get my shit together.

When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position

America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.

A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth

30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense

Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts

When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question

I know this now

My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter

*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache

CW: *hands me 5 Advil*

Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do

Wife: I made you an appt. with the eye doctor
Me: [spreading cream cheese onto Destiny’s Child CD] MY EYES ARE FINE

[First Date]

Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.

If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun

She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.

Someone: what have you been up to?

Me: thanks, you too.