Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
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If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Not😆🤣
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
Welcome to Twitter, apparently everyone here is a fire expert.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
I know it’s traditional to start work at 9, but I think we could lower that age to 8.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL