Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
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they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
“Damn girl, you look hot”
Really?
“Like a sexy little italian car”
DID YOU JUST CALL ME FIAT?!?
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
*the doctor leans in & whispers to the baby that was born minutes ago*
your parents are expecting you to keep their turbulent relationship in tact. good luck
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
I’d go to Mastodon, but I have zero dinosaur jokes.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.