Me, “There’s a warning light on in my car.”
Husband, “What does it say?”
Me, “It’s just a picture of an oblong thing.”
H, “The engine?”
Me, “It looks more like a submarine.”
H, “WHY WOULD THERE BE A SUBMARINE WARNING?”
Me, “Exactly what I thought. We are so connected.”
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Every work call, he judges.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Hello, my name is Pierre.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
