Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
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My dentist told me I needed to cut back on the red wine and coffee, so I told her she should cut back on the Botox and Aqua Net. Anyway, that’s why my mouth is bleeding in 14 different places now.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
My Brain: HERE IS THAT NAME YOU ASKED FOR 6 HOURS AGO
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
Barbie gone wild
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.