me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
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I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
most whales are bigger than a strawberry
water it, i dare you
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Just tracked down a student to ask where his amazing looking sandwich was from and he didn’t know. How is this possible.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
