me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
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Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
A book commits suicide every time you watch a reality show.
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
can’t catch a break
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
Them: You should try keto
Me:
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm