Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
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I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Happy Caturday!
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.