Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.

Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”

*eats only grass-fed donuts

For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.

How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday

I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain

Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.

After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.

GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.

An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.

The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.

me: are u 2 girls from England

them: Wales u idiot

me: sorry are u 2 whales from England

*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*

My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times

My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds

A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”

There is still no bar

Standing at life’s crossroads: embarking on a master’s degree in business economics or getting a neck tattoo. Both equally boost employability in today’s market.

cannibals be like “lose 20 pounds in a week” then eat your arm

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.

Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.