Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
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My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
We know he can swim but…
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
WWE is French for “yes”
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer