Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions

at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed

cop: you’re so busted

me: thanks. I just had them done

my google home just took a command from the movie I was watching and said “got it, now playing ‘I’m the one’ by DJ Khaled featuring Justin Bieber” and when I said STOP it stopped playing the movie I was watching. Everything is insane

my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life

I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…

Unless, of course, I want to buy something.

GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!

ME: It
…

was
…

nice
…

knowing
…

you

[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]

Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.

Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.

[34 mins. later]

Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*

Doctor: every time.

I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.

I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”

When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks

The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.

duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?

At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.

You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long

My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo

Me: Our neighbor is such a perv

Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?

Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep

Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend

Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!

Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

*bird watching*

Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”

Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”

*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack

Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”

Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited

Obama: Joe

Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK

Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.

We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.