Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*

Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.

Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?

Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.

Dracula:

Her: oh

I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.

Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.

The weather: *reads my credit card bill*

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

I accidentally convinced people at work that I know what I’m doing and now I’m fighting for my life

My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.

My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.

Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*

Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.

Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime

Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.

UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over

therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.

My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”

My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.

I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.

someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house

I was trying to catch a cricket in the house this morning and was yelling at it, “I know this is scary, but stop struggling I’m trying to help you!” Probably the same thing the universe is always yelling at me.

Do you believe in life after love?

-Me as a Cher-apist

Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.

I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.

Idk what’s worse about today’s meeting, nearly falling asleep on camera or realizing 3/4 of the way through that I had a pimple patch on my face 😂🤦🏼‍♀️

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*

[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.

My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.

We’re prime-mates.

I used to work with a woman who was going to name her baby Jonkeykong and I assumed she was naming the baby after Donkeykong so I said maybe you should name it after a different arcade game and she said that’s silly why would I name my baby after an arcade game

Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.