Me: There’s nothing like a warm bowl of tomato soup
Trick or treaters: You know we’re gonna egg your house, right?
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Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME