Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
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Kidney stones? Hard pass
(First date)
Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?
Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.
Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.
People say I’m an idiot for using superglue instead of bonjela, but I’m sticking to my gums.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.