Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
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when you don’t want to be too vague
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise
There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
Just so we’re all clear, the plural of Roomba is Roombae
Receptionist quietly into phone: Security? Yeah. He’s back
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.