Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
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microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold
me: what if you cooked it just right
microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Waffles are just pancakes with abs.
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score