Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
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*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Tell the barista your name is Beetlejuice and quietly walk out.
Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Not even remotely sorry.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
Hinder: an app that locates available singles nearby who will stall your life in some significant way
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !