Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”

MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.

This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋

*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.

*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?

*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*

I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —

Murderer:

[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”

me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp

every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong

I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”

[during prison riot]

cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?

me: *shakes magic 8 ball*

magic 8 ball: ask again later

me: shoot hang on

The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.

I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.

She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.

I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.

Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?

Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.

My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.

I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.

I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time

then compulsively fluff it for a month.

Girl, are you an environmentalist?

‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.

Stick it to the man

‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.

Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor

I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life

Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!

My boss: You mean Christmas cards?

Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what

My boss: what

There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.

WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something

ME: *gulps* oh no

WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”

no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal

I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.