Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

Me: I let my guard down.

Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.

Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner

Me: is it ok if we have sex right now

Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking

Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree

Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman

Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.

Penn and Teller is my favourite double act that sounds like 2 things you find in a bank

[birth of Jesus]

First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense

Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh

Third Wise Man: This is gold

First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit

Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito

These are my roll models.

When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine

Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands

Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.

The honesty is refreshing

Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.

[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”

Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.

I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

[first date]

OK don’t let her know you’re a snail

Waiter: Would you like some salt?

[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]

Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher

The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.

I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.

Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.

Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.

I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president