Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.

A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.

There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.

One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.

[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole

CONTESTANT: what?

[hole opens in the ground]

Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant

I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.

Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”

I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.

I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out

*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process

I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattlelog.

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.

If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost

I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today

platter of various cheeses:

Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”