ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
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My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
I want what they have
There is no greater evil in this world than somebody who DMs you a picture of their moist slice of cake…knowing that you have no cake.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Why would anyone ever jump OUT of a cake?
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
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Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
#HatDadJoke
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started