ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
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Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
old twitter is back baby
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Good morning & happy hump day! Today is also “National Red Wine Day” 🤣🤣🤣
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
Never run with scissors. Unless…
• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls
A hammock is a terrible place to give or receive bad news.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
9: Can I sleep with you?
Me: Why?
9: Had a dream about the Lullaby Lady.
M: Who?
9: An old woman with no skin on her hands.
M: Why do you call her that?
9: Because she stands next to your bed and hums while you sleep.
M: Sure, just let Daddy put the house up for sale real quick.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]