Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”

How to care for cast iron properly:

1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.

Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…

Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.

My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death

Maternity confirmed

95% of dentists recommend teeth.

[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.

Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen

found a note in my phone of an idea that just says “birdwatcher with an anger problem” and now I’m wondering what the triggers would be. bird is too far? bird is the same bird every time and you only ever see 1 bird? i’ll keep thinking about it

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.

Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.

*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*

I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant

I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are

BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE

My favorite part of The Talented Mr. Ripley is how easy it was to scam people in the 50s. You could just beat a guy to death with an oar and show up to the American Express office with his ID and they’d like “of course, and how much money would sir be withdrawing today?”

Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.

The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.

The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.

The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.

Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.

In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.

NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.

Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-

Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!

I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days