Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you guys ready for tomorrow??? It’s gonna be a HUGE day. I hope you’re prepared. I love taco Tuesdays. Gonna eat so many.

Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remaining

Laptop after 20mins

Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”

Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep

Doctor: that’s quite normal

Old lady: and then a bird

Doctor: what

Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!

-Me eating Oreos

I finally gave up telling my Boomer mum there’s no fine for not rewinding the movie after watching it anymore… Netflix have people who do that after you go to bed, mum!

The first 7 days of the week aren’t for me

If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.

It’s crazy I need a certificate to prove I was born when you can literally just look at me

If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.

Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue

Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals

Therapist: for example?

Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this

People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.

Me: Wtf?

Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!

*zoom meeting*

Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion

Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.

To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

*driving away from a heist*

guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping

How do villains get henchman? Networking? Asking because I’m thinking about being one but i hate networking

I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid

jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing

george would invest and lose everything

kramer would become a billionaire

elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy

Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?

Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey

Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook

I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.

Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.