Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress

What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”

What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”

Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.

[filling out birth certificate]
Me: we’re naming him Greg
Doctor who used to be Starbucks barista: [writes “Grork”]

[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind

It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.

insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time

Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.

God: you’re really fast.

Deer: ok.

God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-

Deer: run away right?

God: no, just [freezes in place].

Deer: got it wait-what?

God: you know just [freezes in place again].

[on the train]

Conductor: Ticket please

Me: *hands it over*

C: Lady this is a speeding ticket

M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train

Kids today have it easy!

In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.

H: I’m going to the store.

M: Why don’t you take my truck?

[3 hrs later]

H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.

M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*

Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.

[camping]

Her: *pointing* What’s that?

Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears

H: *tuts*

M: We’re safe as long as it’s there

H: Right…

*later – cut to me eating the sammich*

*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*

M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween

Everyone’s gangsta until grandma grabs that wooden spoon

*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore

*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*

Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.

Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.

Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.

ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today

TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨

My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.

Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing

This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.

I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.

NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.