ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
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I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.