me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
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[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
The biggest lesson I learned while drunk is that one should never put the chips in the same cabinet as the cheese grater
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
*goes to hell
Me: I hear there are special places
Satan: No, they’re all the same!
Me: (showing him a crisp $10 bill) How about now?
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.