Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
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The Punning Dead.
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
I’m glad water isn’t explosive, because with the amount of half-empty bottles rolling around in this car any accident would be an extinction-level event.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Breaking news:
People complain about jury duty as if listening to true crime all day and being sequestered at night isn’t secretly every mother’s fantasy.