Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
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doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
Seek kebab; not attention
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
That awkward moment when someone is doing the dishes, and you slowly put your dish in the sink
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on