Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity

when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime

John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more

Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT

TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.

But five stoned guys will start a BAND!

I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda

[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie

The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.

never deleting this app.

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.

I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway

Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos

her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas

My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.

3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”

So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?

Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn

Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?

Because he had gnocchi

*quietly waits for the reply guys

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?

Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.

8 year old: I know, but you do.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.

Had to take my niece to the ER today, because she swallowed a toy train.

Doc said she bit off more than she could choo.

The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.