Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I made GORP for our hike

Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows

Me: yeah, in handy single servings

Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags

i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot

You don’t know fear until you hear your 8yo using the blender by himself downstairs

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

Washing instructions: Hand wash only.

Me: We’ll see about that.

If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.

Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?

Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.

[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”

Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree

Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.

I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.

Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.

My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.

I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days

We are dating

A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.

pls suprot

I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today

Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring

Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]

to be Frank, i would have to change my name.

I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.

Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.

Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.

You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.

[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]

Doctor: What the hell?

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.