Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
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I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
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Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
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Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off