Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.

how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?

me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000

her: sure

me: k

“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet

When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay

Me: Do you have a Summer menu?

Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.

Me:

3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight

me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into

prison guard: no talking after lights out

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.

DON’T STOP BELIEVING!

…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time

Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.

I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business

My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.

No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.

You are a psycho with mascara.

The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.

Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.

I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha

I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.

Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”

How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?

I told my kid if he plays my drums again there will be repercussions

And send

If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.