In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
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ME: hey can you spot me
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
I told a deer joke once. It was very fawny.
friend: you’re late
me, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
How to keep a man happy:
1) Phone him 86 times a day
2) Wail hysterically
3) Be needy
4) Never sleep with him
5) Buy yourself shoes
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don’t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March….. I got this.