Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

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The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.


One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.


[Pizza falls on the ground]



-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.


Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation


King Solomon: more porcupines


whats the definition of a will? (lol come on guys its a dead giveaway)


Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.


Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.


[BOOPS nose]

COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.


Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*