@CArmanthegirl

Me: these edibles are shit

(30 minutes later)

I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos

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@PaulyPeligroso

The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.

@Kappa_Kappa

One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.

@awkwardphilippe

[Pizza falls on the ground]

Hold

HOLD!

-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.

@psybermonkey

Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?

Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation

[Flashback]

King Solomon: more porcupines

@8bitf0x

whats the definition of a will? (lol come on guys its a dead giveaway)

@WildeThingy

Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.

@Kayditty

Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.

@LRenceFivvens

[BOOPS nose]

COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.

@BlindChow

Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*