me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
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Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.
How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
MILLION DOLLAR IDEA: An alarm clock that sounds like a dog’s pre-puke warning grunts.
Best mom ever 😂
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
You know those medieval paintings where the artist has never seen an elephant, but they DID read a description of them and they’re certain they got the gist of it? Anyway,
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
“Vintage designer purses are not a retirement plan,” says my accountant while rubbing his temples.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh