me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
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My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
Don’t tell me what to do
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
is this meant to deter me
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
when people your age have their shit together and you have no idea what you’re doing
My daughter cuddled into me and said she loves me, which I thought was really cute until I realised she was stealing my muffin
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.