Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
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Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
The dishwasher was emptied, clothes put in their hampers, and wet towels hung up without me doing any of it.
There’s only one possible explanation. We have a poltergeist
Boss: I need you to come into work at 7 instead of 9 tomorrow.
Me: Can’t.
Boss: Why?
Me: I’ll be asleep until 8:30.
Friend: I’m engaged! *flashes ring* He bought me this beautiful teardrop shaped diamond!
Me: ah, the irony
Friend: What?!
Me: What?
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
new wife guy just dropped
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
All these “make better choices” make me wonder if my parents are now running twitter
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
And we’re off! To an unreasonable start