Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
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[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
grandparents are too precious for this world
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty