Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
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doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
reduce, reuse, recycle
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
Coworker: I need documentation for this project. It’s super urgent!
Me: Sure. Can you send me the details?
Ages pass.
Empires rise and fall.
Dolphins develop their own space program.
The old gods return.
The stars die out and the sky goes black.
Coworker: Here you go.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Hello, my name is Pierre.
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it