Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.

I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions

Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow

Me: Left hand, red

Me: Left foot, green

Police sketch artist: this can’t be true

[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.

[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on

I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..

I hate it when cops pull you over to give you pop quizzes like “do you know how fast you were going?”Or “is that a raccoon smoking a joint?”

The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it

If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.

You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating

Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.

Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper

I’m hunting wabbits.

i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix

You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.

tinder profile where the fish is holding me

Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.

Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*

CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.

Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.

Tuesday

An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.

Whoever said “team work makes the dream work” needs to explain that shit to my personalities.