Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.

*decides to open Twitter

Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot

My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles

Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

next time i open up to someone is during surgery

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.

You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:

Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.

it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”

Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.

I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us

“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”

Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.

accidentally became important at work n its ruining my life

In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious

Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*

Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?

Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.

Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.

Playing Rugby is a great way to meet new people, Paramedic’s … Nurses,…Orthopedic Surgeons.

Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.

phew

Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”

Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.

My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.

[inventing eggnog]

Exec: Gag them, but festively.