ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
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I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
my dog when i have a friend over
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
me, too, girl. me, too.
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
My dog, introducing himself to our neighbor’s dog. I’m not gonna tell him.