Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

Memoirs of a Fish Stick

Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.

Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues

Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE

Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…

Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR

masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?

Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you

Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.

men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less

I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.

Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?

Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

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[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese

I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.

School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph

“Ever wonder why Rice Krispies costs the same as quieter cereals?”
why would-
“It’s because they’re sold by weight-“
Dan, NO
“not by volume”

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?

For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved

grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there

Not religious but been going through a hard time so lit a candle in a church today for the first time to seek help. 30 mins later a pigeon shat on my head

Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?

[giving wedding toast for my cousin]

…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—

My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.

For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.