Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
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You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
All I’m saying is a cucumber will never ghost you.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
oh youre into retro physical media and urban exploration? enjoy getting killed by a japanese ghost while im playing black ops 6 in my unhaunted house, idiot
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
If my son ever came out as gay I’d be so furious. Furious that he never gave me fashion advice
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
School is starting soon so time to settle this debate once and for all
What color is math?
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind