ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
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If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
I’d like to see every photograph where I’m just someone
passing in the background.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
A psychiatrist is just a friend you pay to listen to your problems because your other friends are tired of hearing about them.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
I’ve laughed so hard 😭😭
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*