Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woman: I love a man with an accent

Mán: Well hello there

Drugs don’t ruin people’s lives, drug tests do.

I’ve consumed so much raw cookie dough the Pillsbury Doughboy made a pass at me.

Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win

Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.

I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.

“Be careful. That ice is slippery” – Everyone after you slip on ice.

At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.

[Infomercial for Parachutes]

“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*

[30 seconds into a jazz song]
Omg, I think I really like jazz!

[30 seconds later]
Alright, enough of this

Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.

5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times

3: ok. sorry fifty times

I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.

Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?

Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.

[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]

Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”

me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”

They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”

{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.

Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂

Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄

***TRAVEL NEWS***

A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.

See that girl.

Watch that scene.

Diggin’ the Danson cream.

I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues

Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked

Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

I hope my company doesn’t😂😂

I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.

today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean