Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.

Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.

me: I challenge you to a fish fight

them: you mean fist fight?

Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no

Accidentally saying Yes I would like a receipt and having to wait half an hour while the kiln is heated and the tablet is fired

[stumbles out of bar with girl]

We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.

Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lying

CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth

[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.

TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*

BOSS: why are you so late?

ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha

BOSS: well i was and i got here on time

If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.

Mensa should be calling any day now.

I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls

Limited budget

1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”

If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.

Thanks to a fan for this one.

I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.

I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.

Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??

[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]

Natural selection at its finest

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1598150188127985664/pu/vid/576x1024/obzqsjOCF_QaPb3B.mp4?tag=14

In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house

I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.

*literally any business fails*

journalist: ahh yes, the millennials

Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.

The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup

ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”