Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics
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Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
A fake ID that makes you younger
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
We’ve all been there
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Were those thousands of turtle lives worth the life of one stupid, spoiled Princess with a strange fetish for Italian plumbers?
When your man makes a valid point
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
My kid once went into day care and told them that she’d been watching ‘the nudey nudey boy’ on tv
Jungle book…she meant jungle book
Fear and ignorance would gay-marry each other if they weren’t both opposed to it.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”