Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the second year in a row, work colleagues have failed to get me a birthday present or card. So, for the next 12 months, I’ll continue to take £5 out of each of their birthday collections as their backdated present to me. Cheers guys.

While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.

“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”

What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?

Detective : Where were you on the night in question?

Me: Wut?

Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.

Her: Oh, he’s not playing.

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.

-elementary schools

My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.

So how many people have you murdered?

I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted

How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7

It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.

Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”

My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

If my 6 year old tells me someone was “mean to him” I never know if they stole his bike or tried to cook him a healthy meal.

One could argue in court that “i’m coming for you” has at least two different possible meanings

*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

“What movie?” 🤔

Angel: we need to make more creatures

God: why?

Angel: you killed them all

God:

Angel: giant meteor..

God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute

Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot

God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something

[ interview ]

cable company: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?

cable company: when can you start

me: between monday and july

Interviewer : So you’re super fast at math?
Me : Yup
I : Ok, what’s 346×48?
Me : 804
I : That’s not correct
Me : Fast though.

A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.

Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.

Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.

I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing

I was on a sofa next to my wife who was eating a snack and typing on her phone, I heard my phone ringing in the kitchen where I was charging it so I went to check it …

The SMS was from my wife, she wrote “Bring me a drink on your way back”

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom