Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.

9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*

Me: That’s not a toy.

9: I know. It’s a weapon.

We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.

Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?

Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

Me: that’s BS

6: boring stuff?

Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes

How to lose weight:

1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.

If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!

Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.

But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.

I’m not telling.

Checkmate.

A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about

I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.

This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.

Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.

[2 minutes later]

*house is on fire*

How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.

Friend: I said be selfish.

Me dressed as a clam: Oh

Woke up against my better judgement again

Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down

Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.

GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice

Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.

Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.

Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.

Dear Middle School,

How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?

Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot

Note to self: always read the final line

Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?

Me: either, as long as there’s butter

Him: are we still talking about se-

Me: muffins, yes