Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
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[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
no officer these drugs aren’t mine i stole them
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.