Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
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Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
These infographics don’t work on me because my takeaway is always that 17 donuts isn’t as bad as I thought
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Some random lady took down our outside decorations because “Halloween is over,” and now I want to invite her inside because Dinner is over, and I don’t want to clean up from dinner any more than I wanted to clean up after Halloween.
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
79.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Saturday
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
Did you know that a pint of spilled blueberries can travel 3 feet across a kitchen floor in 3.1 seconds? Did you also know they can “disappear” under the fridge in the time it takes a mom to pee?
I do. Now.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.