Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.

A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.

[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me

The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running

What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day

[petting a cat]

Owner: He’s my little fur baby

Me: Oh ok, so you must be his skin mommy

Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.

Friend: How are you doing?

Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.

I hate ramen noodles.

*Checks bank account balance*

I love ramen noodles!

Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was

I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too

You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.

A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory

I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.

“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”

Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.

Live a little.

[dinner date]

me: here, let me get the door for you

her: no I got it

me: ffs it’s MY microwave

people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper

*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!

DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]

gf: i’m leaving you

me: is it because i act like i know everything?

gf: yea-

me: i knew it

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.

6: Daddy, when did the first Thanksgiving happen?

Me: Great question! The first Thanksgiving dinner was 400 years ago–

6: –Oh, were you there?!

Me:

I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.

How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate

[Interview]

Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?

Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.

Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat