Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
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If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
My husband said he wants me to stop drinking and still be in a good mood. So I told him to stop putting gas in the car and still drive.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Before saying anything like “you have really soft hands for a man”, just be like so goddamned sure they’re a man.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
it may not be my circus, but if I’m being honest… more often than not, it is my monkey
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.