Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
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Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
I would like to officially apologize to my toddler for cutting her left pancake before I cut her right pancake, I don’t know what I was thinking
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Raisins are grape jerky.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
I support traditional marriage between a man and one of his own ribs.
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
The term “domestic housewife” implies that there are feral houswives and now i have a new goal