Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Optometrist: better or worse?

Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now

Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.

[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.

i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

[parking garage]

FBI: got the file?

Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]

FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing

Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.

Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]

why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?

[voice recognition in car]

Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”

Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.

GROCERY CLERK: I’m sorry sir, but we’re out of pumpkins. I hear some people use watermelons instead, would you like one of those?

HEADLESS HORSEMAN: No, that… that’s not going to work for me.

Him: Want to play Trivial Pursuit?

Me: Sure. But I guarantee you’ll win. I’m not that smart.

Him: Want to play strip Trivial Pursuit?

me: listen pal no one talks to me that way

guy with british accent:

PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there

Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.

God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!

‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.

Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”

Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?

*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever

Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.

Survivor: The Dryer Edition.

Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.

me after i passed that state trooper

asked my bf how work was today

Aliens: take me to your leader

Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?