Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.

oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed

*hangs out at graveyard*

I like older men.

Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*

Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.

Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.

I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.

I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean

Happy birthday to all the women

Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes

Mom: let’s not talk like that

Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry

*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*

*calls to renew prescription*

The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

(at the doctor)

Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.

Friends: Come have a drink with us!

Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.

Friends: C’mon, just one!

Me: Okay, maybe just one…

[ 11 drinks later ]

Me:

The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.

Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.

Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.

no cat here

My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.

Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck

How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer

Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.

are they though??

Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.