me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
You Might Also Like
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Imagine people magazine putting you in their sexiest man alive issue and everybody response is no….. omg
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
How I’d get arrested…
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Customer: I’d like to buy some chicken soup with matzah balls
Me: Sorry, we only take cash or credit
Manager: Can I talk to you
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.