Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.

[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”

My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”

ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change

ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun

🙀🙀🙀😹

Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.

I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight

me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses

wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time

[later]

hannah’s husband: hey

me: that’s it i’m out

[before electricity was invented]

ME: [presses hand dryer]

GUY IN THE WALL: [deep inhale]

I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies

Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.

bank account: $1400

me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints

Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah

[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?

Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.

don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.

I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.

Yoda: Clouded, your future is.

Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?

Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.

Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.

Me: Secretly? No.

Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”

*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*

Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour