Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point

My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.

I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.

We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

people will remember:
– that time I ate 30 pickles
– the rash I got looked like Alaska
– I am allergic to pickles

what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself

Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you

“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”

– Me yesterday

I regret everything….

“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost

Banana is the quietest snack

*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”

ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.

MY BRAIN:

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage

You know what really makes me smile?

Fascial muscles.

thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

*Cooks dinner for family*

Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm

What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE

So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified

I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.

I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too

Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?

Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.

Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.

Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol

Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

Dm: Hi

Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?