Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
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[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
crying at my desk while also finding time to cry in the shower makes for a healthy work-life balance
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me
Turning to the person next to me and saying “thanks for nothing” as I get off the train
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.