Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
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Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
today i learned that up to half of the worker ants in a colony are only pretending to work. just looking busy so they don’t get tasked with anything. i respect ants so much more
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
My dog probably thinks her name is Jesus Christ
[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
Candles never taste the way they smell
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
This is why I hate group projects
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.