Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
You Might Also Like
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!