Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
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Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??