Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

Seekh Kebab
Not attention

name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture

Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.

Fact: If you bind together the receipts of things you buy in an airport, it makes a tiny book that tells the tragic story of how you have no money anymore.

i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing

why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas

Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom

pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate

*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*

*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it

Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?

I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.

~Late night couch potato dilemma

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…

*First date*

Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!

Me: I love you and really mean it someday..

Him:

Me: there’s no pleasing some people

Science memes

Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.

“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid

Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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.
.
.
.
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A wherewolf.

#happyhalloween

If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies

[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate

Wife: Can you turn on the computer?

Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of computer]

Wife: why for everything

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

me: uhhh what did you do?

9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation

Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy